Jokes
1. A man went to his doctor’s office to check his sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The man returns the next day and gives the jar to the doctor. Noticing the jar is empty and unused, the doctor asked, “Was there a problem?”
“Well, doc, it’s like this,” the man explains. “First I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then I tried with my left hand but still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she tried. First with her right hand, then with her left hand, then when that didn’t work, she tried with her mouth and still nothing! We even called up Bill, our next-door neighbor, and he tried. First using both hands and then squeezing it between his legs—”
“You asked your neighbor?” The doctor was shocked.
“Yep,” the man replied. “And no matter what we tried we never could get that jar open.”
2. Why do men die first This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
3. During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
4. A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia. He was all having his coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam at the hotel's coffee house. A
Malaysian man, who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a
casual conversation.
Malaysian: 'You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?'
Singaporean: 'Of course.'
Malaysian: 'We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts
we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants &
sell them across to Singapore.'
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean
listened in silence.
Malaysian: 'Do you eat the jam with the bread?'
Singaporean: 'Of course.'
Malaysian (chuckling): 'We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and other left-overs in a
container recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it
across to Singapore.'
This time, the Singaporean retorted: 'Do you have sex in Malaysia?'
Malaysian: 'Why, of course we do'
Singaporean: 'Do you wear protection'
Malaysian: 'Of course! We wear condoms.'
Singaporean: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?'
Malaysian: 'Stupid question! Of course we throw them away.'
Singaporean: 'We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them
In a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them across to Malaysia & that's the real reason why we banned chewing
gum in Singapore.'
FYI: All Jokes are taken from flowerpod.com.sg
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